Lies... Never Ending Lies...
I admit that I was not in the mood last night to write because of this certain thing that happened before I went home. Even now, I'm still not quite. But it'll pass. I won't be telling the whole story, instead, I will be writing about what I feel. I met one of my friends. We've been seeing each other for a few days now. It had been quite a while since we last had time for ourselves. These past few days that we've been seeing each other, I notice that her attitude changed greatly. She always tried to keep herself from rude words then but now, she's saying it mostly out load. I think she had been adopting our old friends attitude... selfish attitude. I had this great intuition that she joined a Wiccan coven which one of our friend invited us back then. I don't have anything against her being a Wiccan, even if I do I can't do a thing. I'm an Atheist because I chose to be one. If she chose to be a Wiccan then, well and good. All I wanted wanted was just to know honestly, if she did join a coven. Whenever I ask her if she joined, she always say no and her mood then started to changed quickly. I remembered when we were suppose to go somewhere and she and another friend of ours makes obvious excuses for me like I can't come because my body can't withstand the heat (where in fact I could and already did.) just for me not to come along. I admit that I really felt bad those times but I let it passed. I always known her for the person of full of excuses. That's why I honestly admit that I don't believe half of what she say. She told me once that most of what I say weren't true and I just said those to be in, to be known etc.
Defending myself comes here. Why would I lie to myself just to amuse someone? As most people know me, I dislike extreme attention nor attention per se. That's why people called me DEAD. As if I'm dead. I only spent time and joke around to people I'm close to, talked when needed or asked none the less, I don't. Speech isn't too much of a requirement to express your self and tell people to "leave me alone" right? Regarding the Ethereal world I told her about. I told her this because she was my friend. I felt pity for myself when she said those. Yes, I too, had doubted it's existence and thought of it as just pure coincidence that a few other people like Mosasi and te Chette had exactly the same dreams as I had and I always have bruises where in fact I only just slept. The big question is, where the heck did I get those if in case? Considering that those were all mere dreams and the bruises were all got from too much struggling in my nightmares as I sleep, she doesn't have any right to tell me things that she herself do, sometimes, worse. She just have to admit herself that she's just like some people's puppet that does every command her master asks her to do and doesn't have her own initiative. yes, she broke free from her past master but where did she landed this time, to a new puppeteer. If you asked me, her old puppeteer is better because somehow, that person cares for her and doesn't want her to be harmed. But what about her new master? Is she certain that he wouldn't harm her? In my eyes, she is already hopeless.
And then, here she is again of her excuses that I need to get home early where in fact, I already told her earlier that I don't need to. Then I thought, I know her pretty well to know if she doesn't want me around so I better let her have her way. So I went home. I may be a hypocrite to some people but I will never be one to myself. Lying to other people sometimes, helps (white lies but it's still a lie by whatever name you call it) but lying to yourself will not, rather, it will only cause you more.
Lies... Never ending lies... and I'm tired.
A Lost Soul
I keep myself from journalizing these past few days because I don't want to ruin my night ranting about ABE students. Once is okay, twice is much and there will never be thrice. This philosophy also applies to those who call me demonic. (Currently thinking of the granny who called me that a few months had past...)
And so I tell...
I was heading home that time, there was this old lady at the jeepney I road. She was sitting in front of where I am. She had a rosary at her hand, closed eyes and praying. (Yeah I know, praying the rosary on a jeepney is a bit inappropriate.) Then, after she prayed her rosary, she looked oddly at everyone and I deemed, I caught her attention. She stared at me for a while gazing at me from head to toe. (Rude old lady huh?) Then she whispered to the lady beside her, "Look at this child, wearing demonic figures. So many young ones today appeal to the devil and become its children" (Not exactly but the though is there.) She said it whispering but her whispers could be heard by anyone. I didn't want to disrespect her so I remained wordless of the insults she threw me. At that very instant, I wanted to snatch a mirror from my bag and show it to her so as she could see her face and what she holds. I don't have the right to say this because I'm not a Christian but she shouldn't be insulting people when she holds a rosary at her hand and she just finished praying at that. I wanted to shout at her and go on in a rampage while telling her that I'm not. But since I was up brought at a well-bred family, I didn't do so. Besides, I don't know her and she doesn't know me. Why would I waste my time uselessly explaining myself to her?
Now that I think of it, it was really funny that I still go on trying to tell everyone what I have to say where in fact, they don't listen at all. Though they appear to be listening, are they really? Do they comprehend even a bit of what you're trying to tell them? Or they just remain there blindly clinging to their own selfish beliefs. Being cynical sometimes can't be too bad.
Not being a Christian doesn't mean you're into DEMONIC ACTS! I do not do things such as that! I just don't have that "faith" anymore okay? Nothing more, nothing less. Why am I pointing this out? It is because there was this narrow minded person that called me a CHILD OF DEMON just because I'm wearing black, looked pale, and doesn't talk much. Didn't the Christian Churches teach people not to judge people by their beliefs and how they look? Yes, they go to mass, they reconcile, the pray the angelus, they pray the rosary but they do bad things - most of these people are Catholics maybe not all but most of them. Such people DON'T HAVE ANY RIGHT to call me a CHILD OF DEMON. I will accept it more if that person would say, "You going to hell When you die" or "You will not be saved and the you will face great punishments when the world ends." I do bad things, yes, aminado ako dun. But calling me a CHILD of DEMON isn't the proper word for that. The proper term for it is - A LOST SOUL...
Now, I would accept any reactions and comments with regards to this entry. If you believed that I should be called such, prove it to me. If it convinced me, then, I will allow you and all other people to call me that name.
Campus Flares
Before everything else, my mom arrived this morning at around 5-6 AM. I can't tell the exact time because I'm half asleep. :P Anyway, what I wanted to share was my palm size clay pot (palayok as we call it here) that I asked her to buy for me only if, by any chance, she would be taking the road and pass Ilocos. And she did! So here's my little palayok! Yey! Isn't it cute? Its cuter when you see it in person! I will put my incense inside it. :D
Last Monday, July 5th, the news of AMA and ABE merging into a single campus welcomed us all upon entering our campus. All were shocked about the order given by the main campus from the student's to the teachers themselves. Though the admin didn't utter any word about this and kept it all a secret even to the faculty and staff, AMA students accepted this decision with open hearts and tried not to discriminate the ABE student as much as possible as our instructors always remind us. But for a few narrow minded students of ABE, they could bare the fact that they lost their campus and now sharing one with us and create a few distortions to the peaceful atmosphere. One of which I had experienced was whenever AMA students walked pass them, they always had this "what kind of students this school has" impression of them and they even gossip, no, loudly discussing it to the public. As if they're not AMA students now. Not just this, some of these said students tend to start a tension with AMA student by insulting some of us. Here we are with the good heart allowing our rooms to be divided into two to give them way for their classes and they call our room "stock room" and "junk room". I wanted to remain wordless of these matters to avoid further conflict but sometimes, a student have to fight for his rights even though he knew that all odds were against him. And so, my story of what happened this afternoon begins.
The time was 11:50 AM or so. We'll be having our Rizal class at 12. One our friend, Ryan Dizon, as it was in the traditional policy of the school to close the light whenever there were no classes, closed the lights at the Drafting room when he found there was no one in the room. He didn't know that the ABE were having a class at the other room. Then, he opened the light, and turned it back off again. Then after, 3 of our classmates entered the room but didn't open the lights. It is our habit to sleep at the classroom whenever we have extra time. Then I arrived at the room and asked them why the lights were off. And then, one of my classmates said "I don't know." Right after another classmate opened the light, one girl stormed our room in a rage and started yelling are we having class at that room. Karenn, our classmate then thought that there was a conflict at the sched and she said that we have a class there at 12. Then the girl started to yell again asking why did we turn the lights on and off. Karenn, said that we didn't turned it on and off and someone else did it. And she then yelled again asking who was the one turning it on and off. We didn't get her question right because of her usage of words and she was yelling. Then, I left the room thinking that maybe Ryan Dizon did it. Then, the girl went out of the room after yelling the same question trice or more and faced her classmates and said pointing to us, "Ganito niyo makikita kung gaano ka walang manners and mga estudyante ng AMA. Napakatanga na hindi nila alam kung sino ang pumapatay at nagsisindi ng ilaw samantalang nandiyan lang sila sa classroom." (This is how you will witness how ill mannered student of AMA are. So dumb as not to notice who was switching the lights on and off where in fact they are just there in their room.) Who wouldn't rage from her statements? I would be a hypocrite if I say that I didn't.
Then, she's continued yelling there again and again. I was at her side that time but left and went to lean at the registrar's window, which is just two steps away from where she stands. Then, Ryan arrived asking what happened and why was she yelling. Then I exclaimed to his face, "Tanga daw ang mga estudyante ng AMA!" (She said, that students of AMA are dumb.) Ryan went to a rage but confronted her respectfully because he thought she was a teacher (so as all of us did). He was explaining, but before he could even utter a word, she slams a whole lot of sentences already to his face. SD and SRM tried to explain the situation but she remained closed minded and still on a rage and remained with her loud voice. What raged us even more when she, just a student talking such a high toned voice at our SD and SRM, which we all respected above all, without hesitation. Even still, SD and SRM remained calm and kept on trying to explain things to her but she just went on and on. What irritated me most, that gave me the eagerness to speak, was when she said that she asked Karenn nicely and didn't say that we were dumb, where in fact, as a lot had head what she said, she said those words and yelling. She doesn't have the guts to face the anomaly she had done and stand up for the words she said. Instead, she said a different thing and claimed we started it. If it wasn't for a few classmates who tied me by my hand, I would go in front of her and tell to her face EXACTLY everything she had said that she was denying. I could attest to those because a lot had heard those words. I had nothing against her, but I just don't like what she did - denying what she said. She said those words so she should face all the consequences it would bring her. For me, even though she seems admirable to ABE students, I consider her as a lowest of life forms. She doesn't have a principle. And I considered what she did as mere publicity to her part to make her popular. She shouldn't be stepping out of a crowd standing for all of them and then when the trouble comes, she ran away. Another was, she should not had said that we are dumb. She doesn't know us. Therefore, she doesn't have the right. If I would ask you is such deed admirable?
The Road
I walked a thousand steps yet I still haven't found my way out. I started to wonder, as few thoughts went through my mind - Will I find my way or will I be stuck in this cold lonely place all my life? Will I ever find the light I was looking for or will I forever be hidden in this darkness? Will I ever find the light I was looking for or will I forever be hidden in this darkness? Will this road lead me to a new life or to the end of my own? Keeping these thoughts somehow gave me an uncertain feeling of having my hopes up and drowning myself in despair at the same time. While in this uncertain feeling, I started to walk again a few hundred steps. After, I grew weary of walking and rest a bit. A few hours later, I saw someone walking the same path I was in. I asked him if he knew the way out. He said no. We walked together until we saw the road splits to two. We stopped at the middle of the road. I asked which road would he take and gave him the idea that I chose the right one. I felt sad when he replied that he would take the left path. I asked if he could come with me, but he refused. He told me that he needed to take the left one to follow his dreams. I understand what he had been meaning to say, so I said goodbye. I walked another thousand steps met another companion, and reach another half-split road. This time, I chose the left one and my friend stayed. Again, we walked pass through 2 more half-split roads, meeting new more companions along the road. And when we reached more half-split roads, one by one, we separated. Until the very last companion I had, left, taking the opposite road I chose. After, again a half-split road was in front of me. This time, I don�t know which way must I take to reach my goal. So, I went back a few hundred steps and tried to return to where I came from. Realizing that I couldn't go back anymore, I went back to the half-split road. Unfortunately, the road didn't change. I was then too afraid of choosing which road to take so I went back again and again thinking that the road would somehow recourse itself. But it didn't. I spent too much time going back and forth the road I had taken until I realized that it doesn't matter which road I take, what matters is how will I face the consequences of choosing that road and how strong will I hold on when the greatest of storms came my way while in that road.
Decisions, decisions, decisions. Hate it? We all do. But, we must make decisions no matter how painful it is for us to move on. Taking them would lead us to sacrifice what we held most dear. Decisions if not made in time would result to even greater pain, lost opportunity and time, wasted effort, and more sacrifices to be made. One of the greatest lessons I had learned. One, that will never be taken off me...
A friend once told me, "Sacrificing without the feeling of deep pain inside isn't a sacrifice at all. That's why it is called a 'Sacrifice', it needs a great a mount of tears and pain to be healed."
Clearing Out Myself
About what I said last night, I am ready to face all rude comments people would send me. I know it was really a heartbreaking entry for my Christian friends. I'm sorry for that. I just had to speak it out or I will be lying to myself otherwise. I would rather choose the world to condemn me for what I should do and say rather than forever lie to myself. All I wanted was to be left alone with what I believed. I appreciate every thought of trying to help me out with it but this is one of the few things I wanted to figure out for myself and for myself only. I had alreaady told you people, I do not want anyone controlling me. No dictations of what I should do, I should wear, I should be, I should believe or whatsoever. I am not saddened by this thing being a non-Christian. I agree that I do possess sad eyes but possesing sad eyes doesn't have any relation to Christianity. It's something that matters with the heart... I do not consider myself as a devil's instrument. Why? Because I do not believe in Christian G-d and much more to this devil which he, himself also created if you would take the "G-d created all" statement by Christians. Just clearing out myself. So, don't push it.
Here They Go Again
I had received mails from Christians saying things like, I'll be burned down in Hell while they enjoy themselves up in Heaven. And my reply to all of you would be, Thanks you for the mail and I already know I'm going to Hell (if it exists though) when I die. Look, we respected every Christian beliefs and listened to them whenever they try to preach us and things as such. Why couldn't you Christians do the same thing and listen to what we have to say first rather than telling us that we'll be in Hell for disbelieving before we even try to speak our minds. That was the most reason why a lot of non-Christians writes things like that. We tried our best to listen to your every word and when we got the chance to speak our mind, you damn us and tell us that we are devil's instruments. Most of you considered science as a devil's instrument. If then, why use the Internet? Why use computers? Aren't they product of science which you people call a product of devil's deeds? We do not REFUSE believing your G-d just for the reason of we don't see him, smell him, hear him etc. We disbelieve because he is beyond reason and logic. Don't go telling me things such as "that is why he is almighty because he is beyond words, beyond reason and beyond logic". What kind of reasoning is that? It just shows that you people couldn't defend your own God because somewhere deep inside you also doubt his existence like we do.
As much as possible I try to keep myself from this kind of talk because I do not want to shatter anyone's heart more, my Christian friends'. But I couldn't bare it anymore. I'm totally fed up for these kind of balderdashes! Look, I tried so hard to respect people for they could respect me also. Are those not enough for you to respect me also and leave me with what I believed and wanted to believe? I lived my life as a non-Christian peacefully and here you are ramming me with endless trash mails, branding me as disturbed, violent, cult member etc., and telling me that I less deserve to live because I dishonor my creator? Did the Christian teachings teach people to do those rude things to other people just because they do not believe? If I am your God, I would be disgraced. For your information, I am having my general check-ups twice annually and none of the results gave me that I lost my sanity (disturbed thing). I gave ample respect to my parents as you all do also (respect for my creator). Don't you go telling me that God created me. How? A stork brought me and stuck me to mom's womb? If that so, for what purpose is mating then? For pleasure? Sin. I am sinful because I say things like this. In my language, I only commit sin when I hurt somebody may it be on purpose or not. Now, I agree that I had sinned because in some way, I hurt somebody out there. But I do not consider plain disbelief as a sin, because I do not hurt anybody for not believing.
"If he didn't exists how come we know there is a G-d?" - read somewhere... I would like to state this just as in my point of view. I do not intend or by any possible change force you to believe me. Believe what you like. And I believe mine. This is my journal and I have the right to write whatever I want.
Q: Do you know Count Dracula?
A: Yes, of course.
Q: Did he ever existed?
A: No.
Explanation: It's all in LITERATURE.
Count Dracula became well known because of the novel "Dracula" a masterpiece of Bram Stoker. And how did G-d became well known in my point of view? The answer is also literature. He became well known because of the eldest literature masterpiece ever written by "a few inspired people" - the Bible. But I don't think that the Bible was the eldest literature written because, if my memory serves me right, stone tablets were dated far elder than the papyrus where the first version of the Bible was written... Or did I miss something?
Acids to My Heart
It's been a while... I've been very busy. Woke up early to watch TV :P Sadly, wasn't able to watch.
I feel helpless and sad for Bessy. Her tears as if acid drops to my heart. Even though I don't like her bf, I didn't commented and just kept it all to myself. Now, he'll do this. What a jerk he is. He always makes her cry. Why does she have to love someone like that? Love is really BLIND. He doesn't have the brains - as if he doesn't have one at all! (Not exaggerating.) Much more the looks. If you asked me, I like Eric (her ex) more than this guy. Though she said, he's kind and sweet. Yeah right! All people are kind and sweet someimes! Even me at this state. She asked me if she should cool it off with him for a while. Then I said, better think about it first before making decisions like that. She said that something changed between the both of them. I don't know what it was. I don't ask her to tell me every detail their doing much more the private matters. She also said that she sense that there was someone else. I don't know about that part. Haven't seen him with another woman unlike in Khei's case... Speaking of Khei, Bessy saw the "Diane" person and said that Khei looked better. He left her once without any good reason. I didn't want them to get together again because I don't think he really loves her. If you ask me,I think he just got back with her because he just wanted someone by his side to call his girl! She was my Bessy but not once we argued seriously about something and not one drop of tear fell from her eyes because of me. But this guy - ARGH!! I even risk her parent's trust in me too many times because of their relationship and then, he would give her tears to me in return! GRR!! I better get to rest before I do something unpleasant.
I Believe, Because I Believe
I had read this once in an article - I believe, because I believe.
And here are my questions:
Why do you need to believe when you don't know what to believe? What was it that he believed that caused him to believe that I don't know if I would believe because I don't know what to believe? And why does he still believes that something he believe but doesn't know what that is he believed? And should I also believed that something he believed that I do not believe to make me also believe what he believed? And if I should believed that something he believed that I doubt I would believe would it make a difference when I believed that what he is believing is right? And when I found out what was it that he believed that I am starting to doubt believing, would he still be believing what he was believing or also stopped believing because he, too, himself don't know why he believes what he believes and just believed because he believed?
Never mind my questions. You'll just lose your sanity if you analyzed those. I'm starting to lose mine as well. But answers are really hard to accept when you still have questions after each... I'm serious about these questions though. When you read too much, you'll ask too much. Sometimes, your brain might not hold it anymore and just burst out. (I know, I'm a freak!) But hey, this is true. One retarded I saw along my way one day, wrote an amazingly written article about God's existence. His grammar and choice for words are of such calibre that caught my attention greatly. I was on a hurry, but because I was amazed, I decided to read all he had written. I followed him as he wrote them. I seemed like a retarded myself reading those written on the church walls. I pointed it to Jhay the next day and he even commented, "Kaya pala siya nabaliw eh." I stared at him long enough for him to noticed I disagreed as I murmered, "Why do you have to assume such?" Obviously, he heard it and got mad. I respect that he would believe in a God, but saying those words in front of me is as if saying, "Non-believers deserve to be insane!"
Birthday Presents
Let me spare this space for a few friends celebrating their birthdays.
A cake for my friend ENOB-X!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
And to Vladi...
Didn't know it was your birthday, sorry. Don't cry if they didn't brought you up a topic na may "Happy Birthday Vladi!" Know why? Because they weren't happy you were born. Your birth is more of a CURSE than a BLESSING. Keep that in mind. And since they didn't brought you a topic, let me do the honor. HAPPY BIRTHDAY VLADI!! And I'll make a wish for you as well... Let me see... Well, since Vladi's been kind to me inviting me to his birthday, I WON'T be harsh to you this time... I wish you would find someone who WOULD (notice I didn't use "could" instead...) understand you, UNCONDITIONALLY. Because you REALLY NEED that person. And I offer you this, as a birthday present...
In memorial of VLADIMIR
A loving friend (to a few others with his same brain waves) but a BASTARD to all.
May his soul (if he has one) Rest In Peace
in the eternal halls of Hades.
(If I was Hades, I won't even accept your soul. Tartarus is such a sweet paradise for you to be in.)
Casket donated by:
Euri
Hope you would find it comfortable. I even engraved your name! I remembered when you said, you were a "RETARDED PROTOTYPE" by NASA? So, How's it going? I guess you're living up to NASA's high expectations. The big baby wants to cry? Go hide under you're mom's skirt! But even if you do, "tita EURI" (this is what you called me right?) will still find you and when I do, you'll be seeing yourself under your own GRAVE! And all else is celebrating! *devilish laugh* Just scaring the wits out of you. But seriously, Vladi's a kind person. Favorite pet nga ni SATAN yan eh! (If he existed) Masunurin! *lol* Oh! Eto na pala yung susundo sayo eh.
HAPPY TRIPING!! See? Because I love you so much, I want to see you bleed! I even spent time making you a present! Be thankful!
As I had said, Vladi, I DONT GIVE A DAMN to anybody. Don't you dare go telling me that you don't buy for this kind of "PIKUNAN". You started this damn whole shit. I'm just amusing myself in your discretion. I really love to see you very furious of me and damning me to Hell. I hope by this, you would leave me alone. If not, I'll be haunting you 'til eternity.
Destiny and Free Will
Tomorrow would be the start of our prelim exam and tonight, I MUST study. My grades are a bit... uh... just don't ask. Now, I'm starting to get a bit worried of our exam tomorrow... Would I pass? *sighs* Btw, I read the "An Atheist on Judgment Day" a while ago... O.O Totally speechless.
That reminds me, we were having our Rizal class a while ago, our instructor, at the middle of her discussion, said that all is pre-destined for us by God. Then one statement came to my mind, "If it is then pre-destined, then why do we still need the so-called free will He gave us?" Then, one of my classmates asked, "If so, why did He gave other people useless parents." (translated, but the same thought and rudeness of his question wasn't changed. By his term of "useless", he meant "irresponsible".) Then I thought, "Quite what I had in mind but not exactly." Our instructor then said, "God destined those parents to be good but it was on their own free will that these parents became irresponsible." I slightly agreed with what she said that it is the parents choice to be irresponsible but I disagreed about the destiny part. I wanted to comment but, did not because it is out of the topic. (We're in a Rizal class not a Christian Formation one.) And she also said, "If you intend to know more about thing such as this, I am not the right person for it. Go find yourself a priest." I was laughing hard at that moment when she said that, as I thought, "Should I also find a priest myself? My endless questions answered, just leads me deeper to another. And the more I question, the more I lose my faith than regain it." Complicated am I? Sometimes, I do not comprehend myself as well. Answers to my questions leads to another and then, to another and at it's end, it would conflict the first statement given. And my question? Still remained unanswered. Man's capacity of thinking is greatly astonishing...
Anyway, going back to my comments about what my instructor said...
"God destined those parents to be good but it was on their own free will that these parents became irresponsible."
If free will is then present, then, you can't call it destiny for destiny could not be altered. And having the Webster Dictionary to support me, "Destiny. The pre-determined, inevitable or irresistible course of events." Take for example you are born with a heart disease and as pre-determined by doctors, at the age of 20-30 you'll die. This is an example of destiny. You are destined to die at such a young age because of your sickness. No matter how much medicine you drink, no matter how much rest you take, when you are destined to die, you'll die. (No offense for Catholics...) Even if you pray a hundred times a day, kneel at every step to the altar, cry under the crucified Christ for three whole days and nights and kiss every saint you see along your way, when you are destined to die, you'll still die. If destiny could be altered by "free will" then the word "destiny" should be deleted from the dictionary and be buried eternally to oblivion. For what purpose does the word exist if the word couldn't live up to its meaning? Same goes to people, when you know this guy's lying to you and is not living up to what he1 was saying or at least, would you still believe him then? If so, you're stupid. You're just lying to yourself if you do. This is also why the quotation "Trust when lost, is hard to regain" was created by whoever created it. (Don't go telling me, God also created that quotation. I wouldn't believe you a bit.) Why would trust had to be lost if all people believes other people even if they know it isn't right anymore? I wouldn't just believe something because someone told me to. It just isn't right. Do you get my point? That's all I have to say. Comment as much as you like about what you think is right. Free will...
Euri (yu-ri) is a unique specie of the 
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